Journal 5/18/04

5/18/04 - or maybe 5/17/04 nope 5/18

So here I am again wanting to talk and sort through all these feelings about this rare disease and the fact that yes I have this thing and I am alone again. What stirred all this up? I went to have blood drawn today for the thyroid test and thought I would go up to Greenblatt’s office, since I was there, and see if they made any progress on getting me a copy of Loggie’s full report. That whole shenanigans took 2 hours and then a half hour to get back to work. It was 5:30 by then and I really didn’t want to go in and do any work. But I did - good dobee that I am. I did see Mom. She brought in the bamboo plants to me tonight. Somehow she totally missed the connection that I wanted to know when she was coming so that I could bring her some of the butternut ginger squash soup. Ah well that will have to wait for another day. So I get tensed up when I leave the doctor’s office and I feel like crying. I am not sure why - except maybe I’m just tired. Or maybe I am just tired of being a medical specimen under review. What to do with her? I should be thankful, and I really am, that I have connected with the right people. However - I did get the report and reading it brought me back a bit - or maybe out a bit from my ’denial’ of needing to have this surgery. I’ve just been bust getting better. Surgery is a world away from me right now. Mostly I think I just wanted to talk about it. Rob was around to night and focused on conversation. Mom called and I talked to her about the Yarrow root dream. Maybe that interrupted the flow of conversation. It did, but I don’t think that was entirely it. I think he was done with the conversation. I brought out the report and he said it would take him too long to read right now, so he didn’t. I sort of tried to talk about it again, but our conversation stopped to talk to Becky. Then Mom’s call, then he had a comment to the effect of ‘I don’t care about his values… I care about results.” Hmm well - yes I do care about values because they impact a whole different set of criteria. Ut oops too late and so sorry - gotta run to the internet to check on stuff. Hmmmph. Leaves me wondering sometimes.